突然觉得自己与成熟的距离还有很远
以前总是觉得自己很成熟 很有想法似的
我总以为 自己好像经历很多东西似的
我总以为 自己好像过了大半人生似的
我总以为 自己很聪明
结果我也只不过是烂聪明
其实自己也是生活在框框中
我无法去取悦生命中的每一个人
我记性不好
要整天把自己想要做到的事情、要改变的事情写下
去提醒自己 要怎么去做人
去做别人喜欢的自己
但是却很挣扎的觉得为什么我不可以做自己喜欢做的自己？
别人要的我：
要成熟
要读好书
要快快毕业找工养家
要学会做每件事前想一下别人
我羡慕 我尊敬
那些可以在台上为了自己梦想表演的人
那些不计较钱为社会服务的人
那些可以在大草原努力奔放的动物
那些可以自由做喜欢的东西与自己的人们……
结论：
我与成熟的距离，还有很远。
我与做自己的距离，也很远。
我也其实只有21岁。而以。
It’s been a while and I found it’s really hard for me to put something down easily. Especially something that had influence my mood. Mood swinging around and I become lost control, for sometimes, but recently, quite frequent.
Sometimes I just confuse about life. To please others or to please myself? Yes. Many said, of course we must live to please ourselves! Just be yourself. In fact, did you? or… can you? Can you live selfishly just to please yourself without caring for others? Frankly, life is not just about you. It’s always about you…and others. Of course we could not please everyone in life. For sometimes, we failed. We failed to please some and we might feel tired to please others in life, at certain point of time. Contradiction comes in play. At first we think, why we want to please others always when we are not feeling to or forced to? But we do actually care what may happened to others, because we just care-on-the-person-that-we-care-about. Just because we care, it may hurt, when comes to disappointment or we failed to please them. Not trying to evoke any sad or emotional post for today, it’s just a piece of thought from me today.
Icantpleaseeveryonejustlikethesesunnydollsdid.
But I will try my best to make you smile 
很不喜欢今天
那样的自己
完全不受控制
平常很理智的自己
去了哪里？
可能是不够睡
玩得太疯
还是我太久没有那样的情绪了？
我不知道
说到底
我错了
我从来对自己的做错的事 都敢做敢认
这一次我受惊了
一大早不够睡已经很恨闹情绪了
然后被骂了
我才反省
对与错 我无法认知
对于这些事 一向都是很主观的
但是别人认为我错了 我就有质疑自己的理由
可能我真的玩大了
一声对不起也好像发不起作用了
也是我第一次感到如此的难过
因为我不会表达自己
我只会说对不起但我不会哄人
我更不会伪装不知道或猜测别人需要什么
我是个直肠直肚的人 有什么不爽可以直接跟我说
只要不过分 我什么都可以做
只要你是我在乎的朋友
我很讨厌那样在乎朋友的自己
可以为了一件事不开心了整天
庆幸的是我又更加肯定了关心自己的人
很感谢很感谢那些特地来慰问的朋友
陪在我身边辅导我的朋友
不在我身边但依然很关心我的朋友
今天那些眼泪 除了为伤心而流 也是感动而流的
我想对那些了解我的人说
你们是我剩余最信任的人了……
因为你们的关心、你们的支持
让我觉得很温暖
而那份余温会存在着心里 很久 很久……
那一时的想法 仅仅是想法
毕竟那一刻过去后 理智不断的侵袭
我还是 选择了沉默
我可以很冲动 也可以很理智
就在那一刹那 如果那想法没有变成行动
那么它永远都只会是个想法
I’m back. Recently, seems lots of thoughts in my head and I wanted to share it out here. Midnight thoughts always bring me here, to blog. But I did not write much because I felt sleepy at the same time. Oh ya recent activities rather than writing blog, I love reading others’ blog. Knowing somebody’s thoughts through blog is always what I always do.
And currently addicted to this game on my android. <Move the box>. A brilliant game that needs quite lots of thought and let you really think “out of the box”. I love the time where I can stuck at one level for a whole day but can think of a way solve the level after I wake up. AMAZING & EXCITING.
And say I will never know what gonna happen to my tomorrow,
so I will it just live for today.
休假一个人的生活就是……
看了一场电影 可以大哭一场 然后傻笑
随意的去努力运动一番 出了一身汗 而感到满足
突然看到陈旧的东西 心血来潮的把它清洗一番 焕然一新的感觉很爽
仿佛自己要的自由 就是那么的简单。
新年，结束了。
在过去的悠长假期，我几乎忙得没时间也没兴致写部落格。
与家人过着平淡的新年，
与朋友过的疯狂的新年，
给自己一个不一样的新年……
这一个新年，我为自己带来的改变——色彩。
希望自己的生活每一天都过得多姿多彩。
有时候，目的是达到了。
但是却在达到目的过后，剧终人散时，会有那么一点的落寞。
就好像放完了烟花，享受了短暂的美好与璀璨之后，才知道其实把钱烧完了之后还不是如此。
在回来之前与朋友疯狂的那一晚，很享受。
在新年结束之前的那一个旅程，很怀念。
最怀念最享受的，莫过于与朋友们畅所欲言的那些晚上。
很有深度的、很有营养的话题。
但终究逃离不了的那些八卦、友情、爱情……
自己的那份坚持，还是秉持着。
但却更深深地了解到自己所坚持的是正确的。
就像朋友说的“宁缺勿滥”，如果不够爱，就不会爱。
如果知道会输，就不会下赌注。
“拥有，就是失去的开始。”——《我可能不会爱你》
也许每一次在我们开始拥有的同时，就是失去的开始。
而自己正正是害怕失去，所以不敢去拥有。
也因为深怕不能拥有，而到头来变成失去，所以选择默默的守候。
人生总是充满了矛盾。但我不会因为这一些矛盾而却步。
继续活在当下吧，坚强的射手！
我说过：“我自问很尽心尽力去做生命中任何一件事情，对于人生的认真，绝对不敷衍妥协。”
我也在fb发文说：“我一直都在努力做好我自己。我不想一直说自己到底做了什么事、多少事……
少说话，多做事。一直都秉持这句话去做事。今天的我是不负责任，今天的我是没有能力，今天的我是没有信心’的话‘，我想说，我不会接下这一切，也不会默默地、傻傻的为这一切付出……”
我很讨厌被人质疑……因为对于我有信心、我有能力的事，我很在意。
很在意被人眼里的自己，说自己没有付出努力，说自己没有做东西。
如果今天我在这个位子，我没有做过任何事，我没有尽过任何责任，我可以站在那里原地不动的被你责骂。但是我自问自己付出得不少，我自问自己不曾敷衍过自己的人生，更别说你的人生，现在你责问我、说我好像没有尽一百分的努力？我知道自己不比你努力的多，因为我不在你的位置。我知道自己不比你看重这场比赛，因为大家理念不一样。但是我拥有的热忱不比你少，我付出的我也不想多说。
信任对我来说很重要。无论做什么事都好。一个team，一件事情，一段感情，一段友情。缺乏了信任，我觉得做什么，都不重要了。俗语说：“用人勿疑，疑人勿用。”你不相信我，就不要用我。不要合作。我并没有什么损失。你也不用再辛苦用你的眼光、用你的秤去量我做了多少东西。大家不合则散，好来好去。
朋友说：“不必为了这些小事烦恼……”
会的，今天以后睡醒，把精神集中在考试……
加油 
*此文只是纯发泄，同意与否纯粹个人观点，不供作讨论。
对 又在半夜发文
只能在这个时候
最多感触 最能写东西的时候
其实也没什么要说的 只是就是想发
想发泄一下
想说 那没用的自己
又在浪费时间了
喜欢发呆 喜欢胡思乱想些什么
无聊
距离哥哥结婚不远
我想说一点感觉都没有
别人并不了解
在那张看似欢乐幸福的画面 背后隐藏的悲哀
没有人了解 这个家庭背后的感伤
未来是如何 我就像个局外人一样 不能做出断定
我问：“没有了感情的婚姻，算什么？”
没有了爱的感情，只存在着责任
就像没有加糖的咖啡 苦涩的
但往往还是会有人会傻傻的 乐在其中
我并不了解 那是什么样的爱
只觉得很傻
那令我想起一句话
“当你爱上一个人的时候，你就已经是个傻瓜了”
她可能是个傻瓜 但是她爱他
很爱很爱他……
我不懂能不能够献上很真诚的祝福
尽管那是我觉得 曾经 很亲近的人
是的 曾经 你对我来说是那么的亲 那么的尊敬
我不能够评论 与谴责
不是因为我是个妹妹
而是因为我是一个理智的人
一个总是希望能够在为事情背后发生的一切 找出原因
我想知道原因
如果说那是因为‘爱与不爱’的问题
也只能接受
每个人 总要为自己所做的事 负责任
我是这么的认为
只要不会为其他人 其他爱你的人 造成困扰
我觉得你要怎么去做 那时你的事
尽管 你对我来说 是那么重要的亲人
我只希望你能够为自己做过的 负责 那就够了
那祝福 可能是个希望
希望 你会为保护这个家庭
不要让爱你的人失望
不要让爱你的人受伤……
总算看清了一些真挚的友情。
知道某一些人无论如何在你生命中还是很重要
知道某一些人其实缺少了也没有什么好可惜的
没有了生日后的喜悦，只因一切来得太急躁
回到来只能埋头苦干一大堆还没有完成的功课
足足没有睡一整个晚上，还要顶着去上课
结果回到家就是一阵昏迷直到另一天的早晨
回顾今年生日，几乎，平淡，和自己向往的蛮像似
但偶尔还会有些落寞。
我对自己说：“知足、快乐”也是我每一年差不多的愿望
总是期待会有那么一个人了解自己，但知道还没有那样的缘分后，
失落、低潮
还是会满怀期待的去迎接下一个未来
今天被黑夜吞噬了自己
我期待明天的光明会把自己带回原来的地方
突如其来的想法 就像这场大雨
可恶的生活 就是如此的潇洒
不喜欢照着所谓的规则而走
今天两位室友回去了家乡
她们说：“我们走了你就会很孤单咯~”
我心想，我正难得清静。
我并不觉得一个人有什么大不了
我可以一个人走去超市 一个人推着篮子 买自己要买的东西
再回到家 一个人煮一个人的午餐 一个人看戏
我并不孤单 因为我有自己作伴 我喜欢与自己对话
意味着我正在加深对自己的了解
我说我并不需要另外一个人与我分担
因为此刻的自己 安静 才是我最好的伴侣
一直想去流浪
一个人 到陌生的国度
想去吹风 想去看海
想去探讨 这世界的另一面
是否会与自己的不一样？
“那样的期待已足够浪漫”
同意。
实在期待，那未来的旅程 =)
题外话至今日金句：
记得那份坚持，不如去寻找回到昔日那份热情，
就算劳累但至少也过得有趣一些。
人 很努力很努力的活着
究竟为了什么？
对不起 emo了
因为刚计算完最近的预算
看着一大堆的debt
想着自己一毕业出来就是负资产
欠了一大堆的债
等着自己去还
其实以前的自己
根本就觉得没什么
还就还咯
以后的日子还不是一样
做工 生活 还债
但是最近越觉得压力大了
人长得越大 背负的东西就越多
不能一味着专注一些自己喜欢的东西
‘身不由己’ 即使如此的现实
但是的确 有时候轮不到你自己来决定
世界是如此的多姿多彩
可惜的是要做到真正的体会这世界
又有多少个能做得到呢？
I’m a person who like to fly, but I know I can’t fly.
Just like I want my freedom so much.
I always want to grab it.
And it is not far away from me.
But,
there are always things to keep me down.
To keep me in a cage.
Chained my legs and so I can’t fly.
There are always things that we don’t want it to be happened, it happened.
There are always something called “out of expectation” or “unknown” that we do not want to face.
There are sometimes, it is just that cruel, we need to face it all.
As such, “to-say-a-goodbye”.
Simple phrase, easy to say it out, but hardly to get let it down.
It is just another ordinary day, an ordinary mid-night, with an extra-ordinary mood, “The other day which need to-say-goodbye”.
是否有过那样的念头？想着 平凡的过着简单的生活就行了
单纯的 做着自己想要做的东西 就可以了
但 事实是 要简单 要单纯回到自己最初的想法前
总要经过一段很复杂 很崎岖 的过程与路途
没有人想着做自己不想要做的事
没有人想要一些不好的事情发生在自己身上
但是 事实有时就是如此的残酷
现在没有反驳的机会 不代表以后没有
现在没有那样的能力 不代表以后没有
有太多的事情要考量了
立场 有时候可能不一
但是如果那么就轻易放弃
那么是不是也应该放弃本身的价值观？
放弃原有设定的目标与梦想？
现在不能去做 没关系
等待不代表放弃
只是在等待着一个时机 去反驳
驳回一切的不公
生活的态度 只是似乎你自己如何去看待
Touch your heart and ask yourself, is this the attitude you want for your life?
Busy till I don’t even have time to really think of what had happened for the end of the day. For the time I free, my mind still thinking on '”what else I have not do?” “what else I need to do?” and “what else is still waiting for me to do?” It’s like everyday my mind cant really stop thinking on this aside sleeping. I don’t really have time to take good rest, and too many things to worry and take care of. Things are always gone uncontrolled and overload. But still I need to overcome all this by myself. I do understand sometimes we are just helpless. I mean maybe lack of luck. Maybe we are not putting enough efforts. Or maybe we should do more things to change whatever we want to change. Or maybe just wait, to wait for certain important moment, to be changed.
Many people said I am so busy body. Yes I am. But still I have time to sleep, time to enjoy, and time to do things that I like to do. I just enjoy whatever I do now, it’s just that simple yet hardly to understand. =)
有些是并不是想象中那么差，还在努力的学习着反方向思考 
Just because we experienced different situation, you cant expect me to have same thinking like you too. I want to be success, I want to hit my target, I want to get what I want to get, I want to have my own life too. But the fact is, not everyone is the same. We are same human but with different fate and destiny. We all have brain but just with different thinking, mindset and perception. And this is us. What make us different is we are who we are. Sometimes we still cant get through the reality we are facing or acknowledging now. Yes, we always know and understand. But will we perhaps do something for it to make a change? It’s damn hard I tell you. Because we always need to be good in front of everyone, mind to introduce some psychological terms, we are all human being that always put self presentation at first and also look after our public self awareness. Just because be are so care about what others think about us, we stuck, we stunt, and we just want to protect our self-esteem. Whatever we mind is our SELF.
We could never neglect this is what society have told us. To being selfish, being care for yourselves and look after yourselves first before you have the ability to look for others, and if you happened not able to help yourselves or whoever that you love at the first place, you are just a failure and how could you really help the others?
Perhaps this is just my thoughts and mindset that I must have the ability to protect myself first,then my family and friends, and finally only come to strangers maybe. But of course I was not doing this stage by stage, and there is no stage for me. As what I am doing now, making all these working at the same time. I will just help with my all ability that I have. But to maintain all things to work, I must protect my SELF regardless of anything else.
No I have no choice but moving on now. Seeing barriers and overcome barrier by barrier. Solving problem by problem. It’s because I believe “when there’s a will, there’s a way~” It’s always motivate me whenever I get depressed or being passive. I have no reason to give up but continue with my life and this is what I will be going through. Stayed strong =)
I don’t really understand how she had gone through all these. I tried to understand as a daughter. You would not know how these feeling was until you heard your mum said:”I really think of what will happen to this family if I was gone.” How important she was in the family? I cant really answer. Pretty important? Extremely important? I would not say I cant live without her, but I do feel very very bad and damn hurt even she just say that to me and I imagined a world without her for more than few seconds.
And now things turned out badly after the surgery. She might need to do another one. I just felt angry about that, irresponsible doctor, careless, or whatever bullshit hangover effect~!!!! Seeing how strong and tough she still can be, I just don’t know what else can I do as a daughter. I don’t really understand what she felt, even I know how irritated she was, as much as I can feel and experience now, but I just cant do anything to reduce her irritation thoughts and worries. Even I have tears rolling inside my eyes when she talking with me, I still cant let her see my weaknesses and worried, as she might cry alone at night when I was not there too.
Useless huh? I just always the one who have minor contributions in the family and even I am the one knowing the most and studied until the highest level in the family. What bullshit I have studied and cant even help my own family?Sorry if I did disappointed you all, and I am really not that good enough.
Now is a critical period we must gone through together. I know there is nothing much I could do now but at least I have steps for it. Solving problems one by one as usual. Life is full with challenges and barriers right? We just can walk through it with smile =)
*pray that everything is going alright* (I don’t really have faith for anything else aside myself, but when things come to helplessness, we cant not to change our mind and look for some beliefs to lay on.)
One thing that I still feel grateful and thankful that I still have friends that always give useful advises and necessary support for me when I need it. Thanks for everything friends =)
Just read a blog written by a girl from JB and how strong she stayed up and yet fragile to fight against cancer, fight for her life.
I just shared it crazily on Facebook, Twitter, Plurk or even here, every social network that I connect to.
Here is her blog -- http://dancingpapercranes.blogspot.com/
And I think this is what I could do now perhaps, give her mentally support or just doing some simply thing as what a human being should do.
Would you noticed that whenever you shared something with people, a stranger, people will doubt “Is that true?” or “It does not really related to me” “Why should I care for this?” so forth. And they will back to their story on how pity or how fucking life they had. I am not meant to blame or angry about the selfish people as we are all selfish people. I do understand we all are, included me. I was just so useless to talk and share here by doing nothing really can help her directly. I felt ashamed as I am 20 now, sometimes still complaining about life and wanted so much in life. But this girl, what she wanted so much now is just a healthy body. A body that she can do whatever simple things that we normally can do.
Empathy do attack me. Seriously I wanted to help this girl so much but I just found out I cant really do anything by myself. I mean people will say “How many people you could actually help as she is just one of the portion of people who are fighting for cancer? and what you going to do? Like expose her to public? Will she wanted this to happen?” It’s all unknown. And I cant really answer all these questions. Yes we did maybe feel so touched and sad sometimes whenever we saw her post and saw how strong she are and might be emotional sometimes when things getting out of control. Still we cant really help.
But what I would do is reading her blog everyday to keep remind myself how grateful I am that I still can breath everyday when I wake up and still can see things around, listen to whatever noise or sound, making noise or sound myself, smell the fresh air, able to walk to bathroom and brush my teeth everyday in the morning. Would that be sounded not-so-bad at least? That’s the reality and harsh thing that not every people can do it. I was impressed for a 18 years old girl can think like that. Not many could do that as if for me, I will tend to think optimistically but I rather die if I want to suffer so much in life. But she is just so different that she could foresee the reality and able to cope with the reality. I think those experiences taught her a lot, on how to survive at this society, in this complicated world.
I asked myself a question, what would I do if I have one more day in life? I cant really answer this question until when I really experience it and forced to face it. But I do appreciate the time that I have now. Doing things that I think I should do, and things that I like to do, as there is no tomorrow for me. Cheer for this girl—Leonie. I might not a prayer for you but I do hope everything going fine for you and will go and check for your updates often. And I will stay up for life doing my usual stuffs like sharing those stories that can evoke some deep thinking and inspiration in life.
Be grateful, be cheerful 
