It’s not the right time to groan

This semester grades were screwed up.
By my own.
Was thinking to cut down my events and everything.
Still, I was not able to improve my grades.
And become worst and worsen for this semester.
I promised myself at the very beginning of the semester, “Work hard, play hard”, but at the end, I was played even harder than I was thought but work seem low progressed and I was not motivated to study or do my assignments at all.

If I were able to make into Year 3, I am blessed.
Blessed and at the same time,
I will try to do my best for this last year of my degree.
I hope I wont screwed this up again.
Trying to balance everything in my life,
and I , will accept this life-challenge ever.

Think positive and pray hard.

坚强它迷了路

今晚凌乱的思绪 复杂的心情
又把自己带到来了这里
所谓的复杂
是因为最近自己的遭遇
养了接近10年的狗狗，那么突然的离开
除了惋惜，欲是不舍。
我知道自己不是一个很好的狗主人，
我只希望它下一辈子能够有更好的生活，
在另外一个我看不到你的世界，
好好的……

最近的自己
很眼浅
很懦弱
遇到一些不开心的事就很容易掉眼泪
我很希望找回那个坚强的自己……

沉淀

总算看清了一些真挚的友情。
知道某一些人无论如何在你生命中还是很重要
知道某一些人其实缺少了也没有什么好可惜的

没有了生日后的喜悦，只因一切来得太急躁
回到来只能埋头苦干一大堆还没有完成的功课
足足没有睡一整个晚上，还要顶着去上课
结果回到家就是一阵昏迷直到另一天的早晨

回顾今年生日，几乎，平淡，和自己向往的蛮像似
但偶尔还会有些落寞。
我对自己说：“知足、快乐”也是我每一年差不多的愿望
总是期待会有那么一个人了解自己，但知道还没有那样的缘分后，
失落、低潮
还是会满怀期待的去迎接下一个未来

---

想着自己每次自己沉默然后低泣的夜晚
苦笑着自己也有闹情绪的最近
心情很容易变得糟糕
仿佛回到了以前
那个永远只会忍气吞声
生闷气的自己
生气自己 理智的每天只会怪自己的笨蛋
生气自己 只会把一切有的没的吞完 然后只会向无辜的朋友诉苦
生气 我干吗要为那一些不值得生气的人与事而生气？
在浪费自己的青春 时间
很累 每一次都在生气时睡觉
只想 再醒来的当儿我会忘记一切

---

我说我每一次都很用心、很尽力去做好每一件事情，
希望换来的是美好的回忆。
我不期望有什么回报，
只希望那么一点一滴的努力，
能够让别人看见以及珍惜。
那一份肯定，对我来说很重要
就好像人们努力生存也只是想证明些什么
想向全世界说：“我存在着！”
我不期望能活多久，我只想证明自己存在在这个世界过
然后在世界的某一个角落，某一个地方，至少会有一个人认同我

今天被黑夜吞噬了自己
我期待明天的光明会把自己带回原来的地方

短文

在自己生病的时候才懂得自己的脆弱

偏偏在这个脆弱的时刻

只想回家

想说要尽快完成这里的功课

赶快、期待星期四的到来

回家去 =)

Critical period

Again still rushing my assignment until half way...
would like to come up here and throw all my tiredness and madness
I just ''beh tahan'' to glance through the past reseaches and researches...
Why we cant just write...oh i forgot i dont have the authority..
perhaps I became a professional one day
and write my own theory
then no need tortured by all the brillian and hard-to-understand research and studies...

This week will be the critical period in part of my life
Kind of suffer between individual assignment and exam...
Really out of time to revise for exam
Perhaps I should finish my assignment first.
and sadly to say
I have to pass my birthday with my "lovely" mr. assignment and mr. socio
THANK YOU SO  MUCH~!! x.x
For giving me such a "good" birthday present...
I fed up...
U win...
but I will still try my best to fight till the last moment...

雨夜，我要去那里找彩虹？

我知道自己不善于言语……
宁愿把一切吞了……
也不会说出来……
只是不想你为了我担心……
只是想你过得好一点……
没想到会令你更难堪……
可惜的是我并不优秀……
如果自己能够争气一些……
那就不必靠你们了……

你总是担心我……
知不知道我并不重要？……
我还年轻……
要做什么怎么做……
都有自己的一套……
总是什么都收在心里……
不善用言语……
其实你我都是一样……
那么的关心彼此……
却不希望对方为自己担心……

你总是说我……
当我是小孩子似的……
但我已长大了……
知道自己在做什么……
也懂要怎么去做……

你总说：“如果是他在就好了……”
我心想：“其实有你就足够了……”
别人不懂没关系……
但是血脉相连的人竟然不懂……
对他好失望……
心……
真的疼了……
看着你我好无奈……
答应自己……
不能再让你伤心了……

你很坚强……
我也会像你一样……
我先会照顾好自己……
才有能力照顾你……
不会勉强……
不会给自己太多压力……
自己要先快乐……
因为这样才可以带给你快乐……

雨后的黑夜里……
我找不到彩虹……
原来我不需要雨后的彩虹……
因为有了你的笑容……

心酸 vs 辛酸

你说：“我都没有人买衣服给我……”
我说：“有啊～你等我～等多三年……”
你说：“等多三年……到时候我都不知道我在不在了……”
心突然有一阵酸酸的感觉……
那句话一直环绕在我耳边……
很不喜欢你这么说……

希望能做点什么……
但我什么都做不到……
等我三年……
你肯等……
但我到底能不能做得到……？
那也是个未知数……

我说过无数次……
也在心里暗暗内疚了不知道多少次……
发觉越来越不忍心弄到你不开心……
很想每次回去都看到你的笑容……
说的做的也开始变得柔软……
是成长了吗？
还是觉得亏欠你太多了？……
好像一辈子都还不完……

别人说孩子都是向父母讨债的……
可能我不喜欢追债……
更不喜欢欠债……
如果可以的话……
我希望你不用还我……
因为从小到大……
你为我做的一切都是免费的……
长大了……
我也希望为你免费服务……

==说到做不到，我会很讨厌我自己==

Sad and Pain

My eyes is pain and swallow start from yesterday.....
It's terrible and horrible to say that....
I'm really really hate it so much!!!!
It's pain and swallow until I cant really open my eyes.....
The most bad experience that I have here....
And the doctor here is really "geng"....
I dunno he is a "pro" or not...
just use the torch light and look into my eyes....
then said what allegic and infected....
And give me some antibotics and allergic medicine....
It's costs me RM40!!!!
WTH????

*********************************************
Thanks for my dear friends who always care about me....
and specially thanks for my 4 housemates....
the tiny cares of you all makes me feel better though my condition is sucked....

Hope that it will recover very very very soon as tmr!!!!!

Cant stand for it anymore!!!!

说不出的谢谢

睡到不知时候的早上……

不知不觉电话的时间已是中午1点……
冲了凉……又在继续我的calculus……
Alvis和Kevin的朋友来找他们……
他们各自都有节目了……
只剩下我一个人的家……

孤单的感觉友来袭……
妈妈突然来了通电话……
说寄了钱给我……
对不起……
我知道我败家……
不懂节省……
知道你担心我……怕我不够吃……
鼻子又一阵酸酸的……

我是令你最担心的那个吧……
很不喜欢拖累你的感觉……
不希望你担心我……
只想你知道我会照顾自己……

但是我这个没出息的女儿……
几时才能够让你安心呢？
几时才能够报答你为我做的一切呢？

突然很想回去……
紧紧地抱住你……
说声简单的：“谢谢你，妈妈~”

原来不只是我一个人的感觉……

很想把感觉都post在你的comment里……
但po不到……
只好跑来这里写了……

原来要坚持真的是很难的……
尽管那以前的心有多坚强……
说着有多么多的恒心去联系彼此的感情……
到了最近……
才不断地发觉……
有点错了……

在这里的半年……
就区区的半年……
大家竟然可以变得这么多……
或许就像丽宜所得那样……
“我们都无法否定，大家的感情都渐渐的退色了……”
新的生活……新的环境……
大家毕竟面对着不同的事与物……
当然人也会不同了……
“我们都无法改变……
这就是事实……”

我曾经也想过……
“如果没什么事，我就不会回去了……如果回去也只是陪家人……没什么必要，也不会通知你们我回来了……因为我觉得实在‘打搅’了你们的生活……”
其实朋友……
真的该这么想吗？……
打搅了他们的生活……

心有点淡了……
心境好象被一个人影响了……
原本蓝白的天空……变得灰暗了……

有点后悔上个星期没有回去那个生日派对……
我知道我错过了很多……
但是也领略了不少……

我感觉到你那种孤寂的感觉……
因为我也曾经品尝过……
因为品尝过……
所以才知道那种难受……

p/s:下次的sembreak记得找我……
我们再去喝茶……^^

The dark period[I've to be stronger...]

A tired day for me again...
Back to ipoh just like drag me to hell....
I admit I was so bad luck that until today I'm still drop in darkness...

Back to today story....
waiting the 2.25pm train back to KL....
I went earlier to avoid the traffic jam problem...
Finally the train came...
Many people went on the train....
So me too...[I guess I can have a sleep 1st....]
Who knows a blue shirt guy said
"Train ke KL sudah.......(I din heard that clearly...) sila turun dan tunggu bus yang akan pergi ke KL central...."

I was like..."Huh?What the hell was going on?"(just walked down and see what happen~)
Everyone was waiting outside and two bus coming one few minutes later...
I met Leeyee's sister....
And we just stand together to wait for the bus....
the two bus were not for us....(there are some others going to tanjung malim and kampar...)
So we waited for the another one...
A beautiful cuti bus was drop by....
But we dont managed to get inside as too many people there already....
Planning to wait for the next one....
Who knows we have to wait half an hour somemore...[damn!]

We waited again.....
About 30 minutes later....
A bus really stopped outside and everyone rushed towards....
of course everyone was so worry because WE ALREADY DELAYED 2HOURS!!!!
I sat with Leeyee's sister so I can get into the bus....
Once again I guess I can have a sleep now......
Siapa tau few minutes later.....
The blue shirt guy called us down and go to the SCHOOL BUS!!!!!!!!!!!
 @.@ we was like wan to shout out loud!!!!!!
Haiz....
The school bus was not that comfortable....
Shake and shake and shake until my bone want to separate edi.....=.=

Finally....
My bone pain but I'm still alive >.<
Reached KL central at 7+pm.....
Full with angryness.....
I din take dinner and back home straight away....

When the bad luck will gone?
Hope tmr will be a brand new day with brightness....
I will be stronger....
GOOD LUCK FOR THURSDAY PRESENTATION!

I'm just fall in gloomy and dark parade

I have left my pendrive in the lab today....
And I only realize after I back Ipoh and wanna do my assignments.....
How poor is me that doing stupid and careless thing....?
I'M LOSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are the bad luck still resist in me until now?
Since the day hardisc cannot opened....
laptop got some problem until cannot open few days ago....
and until today...I lost my only and the favourite small little thing I have...
The first pendrive I owned....
The cutest pendrive I have....
The small little thing just like my own baby....

I dont know how to decribe my feelings and mood now...

full with dark and gloomy cloud on my head now....

Haiz....

I'm careless and I'm so wrong to leave you alone....

I'm sorry....

If I cant get you back...I just can say sorry.....

useless and meaningless....

All my good mood today spoilt....

Bang-ing my head towards the wall.....

Depressed & Lost

The first day of 2nd semester...
I felt so bad...
From the first psychology class I attended...
to the next tourism class,
follow by advanced English
and lastly Critical Thinking Skills.....
What I want to say is.....
I'm getting lost from the 1st class to the last class....
sitting there and just listened to what the lecturer said...
without any notes and textbook....
suffered....

I hope that it was just because it was the 1st day...
or maybe I haven get the textbook...
so I cant get in the topic yet....
or maybe I have too long holidays already...
cant adopt so fast with the rushing timetable....
Are this all the best reason??
I dont know...
and maybe dont wan to know...

Cant do anything without the textbook...
no revision no reference...
nothing to read for preparing before classes also....
Maybe I should get the textbooks as soon as possible...

Many things still have to settle...
Why there have a instruction in MAYBANK
that a person not enough 18 year old cannot take >RM500 out????
damn it~
how I'm going to pay for the fees??
and the few hundred bucks of books??
somemore the rental.....
GOSH!!!!

The feeling of my 1st day stayed alone at KL have return...
The fear of living alone...
The depression of losing in study...
I know no one can help but myself....
try to be better although not the best...

EXhausted...

Feeling not well all the day....
Should I get consult from a doctor?
I can sleep continuously until 11am today....
Without knowing anything....
Just know that I have no class today....
Sleep til nite also can la~~

Of coz I won do that~
And I open my laptop....
Viewing some friend's post...
Just now was raining???
No wonder I sleep so tight....
zzzzzzzzz

Tired and tired all the day....
No energy....
But many things still need to do....
Assignments,study for quiz and exam....
Feeling exhausted now.....

Nononono~
Turn on my mind now....
I cant falling down....
Not now....
FIGHTING!
I'm going to kill the viruses, MS assignments,MS quiz
AND ALSO THE FINAL EXAM!

Send my words to the stairs of heaven...

Someone reminds me that today is father's day....
There are no father's day for me few years ago....
As so many people dont know....
I'm not trying to keep it as a secret....
But just there is nothing to tell if you never ask....

Well....remember the post I had few weeks ago(MY WONDERFUL FAMILY)....
There were no photo me with my father...
As the others asked me....I only told....
Is definately hard to say out...."my father passed away few years ago..."
But I'm not feeling ashame to tell...
I just dont like the people react with "sorry" face...
It is doesn't matter and I accepted it few years ago and I live well...

Is time to tell about my father's story....
I dont really know what my father's occupation
as he having an accident before I was born...
Because of the accident....he lost his ability to walk....
He have to spend his entire life with the wheelchair...
He cant accept the truth initially but what to do with this reality.....?
My mum,was the only person by his side and take care of him....
That's why I respect my mum more than my father...

He is an emotinal person...
As he is the head of the family...4 of us (my 2 brothers,sister and me) also scare of him....
Even he is a maimed person, we do respect him and never offence him...

There are so few memories that we spending together....
I dont remember so much before I'm 10 years old...which means that I only have 2 years memories with you....What ashame for me....being a daughter...
I do remember the time we being together every sunday that is our family day....
And the time we go out having breakfast and dinner...
as simple as traditions and usual every sunday...

After 12 years he suffering from the immobility body....
He got kidney failure as the doctor told us
it is because he had been sitting on wheelchair always....[What the hell of reason is it?!]
Finally,he get relief from it...[is that relief?I dont know....]
What the memory I can never forget is our whole family walked out from the hospital
Without saying anything....
and my mum fetch us back to house and I just fell sleep
nothing else to think about...
That time I just 12 years old...
not matured enough to think more
but I knew what was happening and I know is time to become mature....

I'm sorry....dad.....
Everytime I think about you...I felt so sorry...
because I'm being far and far away from you ....
I dont even rmb your real face without a photo....
I dont even rmb your voice without a video....
Sorry bout that....

Happy father's day....
Let this words step through the stairs of heaven...
Send from a stupid daugther to her dearest father....
Simple but meaningful words...

p/s(UNDERSTAND ME PLZ):
Jill is an optimistic person and love her family so much....she do face a lot of sadness and hardship to accept the reality of life...And now...she is being matured as those experiences brought her up....She is weak but strong physically because she force to be strong....no sympathy words for me plz....because I'm not so upset actually....everyone should face it one day...I'm just facing the real world earlier...not so bad for me....
MY LIFE IS THE SEARCHING OF HAPPINESS....no hard feeling ya~

无言以对

自从上次毕业的那一次之后……
我没试过哭得那么厉害过了……
实在控制不了自己……
心情也接近崩溃……

第一次对着部落格……
带着很复杂的心情……
却没有言语能够表达……
实在很无奈……

我想过了……
要静静的离开……
在离开之前见见她们……
所以要她们在来我家一次小聚会……
跟她们要个离别前的拥抱也好……
那就足够了……

就正当我想说的时候……
我真的说不出口……
原来想的要做事那么难的……
我终于了解了……

结果大家还是套到了少许我认为不怎么样的秘密……
但我觉得每一个人真的有死也不想跟别人说的秘密……
说出来就不是秘密了……
我还是觉得我自己是没秘密的……
或许有些收在心里……
只是自己没去发掘……
所以我宁愿不去想……
就当作自己没有秘密……

而别人的秘密……
有时知得太多也不是很好受……
因为要除了要保守秘密，还要帮那个人去分担他的烦恼……
更不能逼他向别人说……
反正，秘密还是秘密比较好……

至于将要离别的朋友……
我相信我们还会再聚的……
等到我重拾信心和冷静回来时……
我就会再次给你们一些难忘的聚会与回忆……[当然一定要是开心的咯~]

至于我想对他们说的话……
是有很多……
我想了很久……
我以为我能很洒脱的放下……
但是我最后才发觉……
我只有你们这班朋友……
还是一班感情超越家人的朋友……
但已经足够了…………

我这几天也想通了……
其实不必想太多……
还是回到最简单……
其实到头来最简单的或者才是最好的……

放松点吧~
我也该找点事来做了……

一辈子的烙印

我已经很努力的试着不去想……
甚至不去理……
更试着跟朋友投入的玩……
试着令自己开心……
但我所做的一切都于事无补……

真真切切的输了……
我输给了自己……
怎么想，我始终觉得过意不去……
每次想起就会觉得很内疚……
想起她那失落的样子……
我真的觉得自己很没用……
不知道要怎么才帮到她……
唯一能做的就是叫她不要想太多……
但是自己还不是一样……
不停的想………………
真的很想敲晕自己，不让自己想那么多……

这个是一辈子都不会磨灭的烙印……
每逢圣诞前夕……
我们依然会想起这件不愉快的事……
说好不想……
但是自己难免会有些许的记忆……

我真的没有信心下一年可以在搞类似的派对了……
没有了……
该结束了吧……
28号她们就要进NS了……
我也要开始投入工作了……
大家也要各奔前程了~
就这样吧…………

痛苦

深夜，

突如其来的一股压逼感慢慢侵蚀你的心灵……

让你不知如何能够反应过来……

一封不算长的简讯，竟然可以让那股心情来得特别的浓烈……

那些不禁意的的词语，

慢慢的把那弱小的心灵完完全全给吞蚀了……

曾经抱着无数的希望……

就在那一句简单的话结束后，

一切都变成失望，

再慢慢化成绝望……

心伤了……

厌倦了……

我哭了……

除了算了……

我不知该怎么了……

夜里

又是一个夜阑人静的夜晚……
今天又没有了读书的心……
整天也读不完一科……
很沮丧……
对着电脑也打不出什么来……
唉~~~~（允许我长叹一下……）
-----------------------长点的分割线好吗？----------------------------
刚看完蓝苹果的那篇……(apple，不要惊讶出现你的名字~)
发觉我好像忽略了这个月生日的朋友……
对不起……
美燕~因为你的生日在考试前夕……
没见到你不再说，
考试当天也因为太紧张也没跟你补上句生日快乐……
连生日礼物都还没买啊~
觉得自己有点过分，过意不去……
所以为了补偿你，我想我会费点脑力去想想买什么礼物给你……
还有19号就是我班的牛奶仔（ah su）生日……
我也只能send message给他送上最真诚的祝福了……

而自己的生日也落在考试当天……（还没考完~T.T）
还好考华语jek~
没关系啦~我想都不能和朋友庆祝的了……
哥哥那天刚好有回来……
乘机坳他一顿~xp
开开心心的过……
我就心满意足了……
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今天还反复的想着一件事……
就是NS的生活……
那三个月我到底会怎么过？
真的很期待……（以前害怕的成分没了……）
那个进第几批和去哪里的名单到第几时出啊？！
快点给我知道好不好？！！！
我很想进第一批啊~

后记：夜里想得特别多……这就是我整天失眠的原因……想那么多干吗？就是阻止不了……晕~看下书再睡吧……黑眼圈没有消失过……好像更严重了……中国好像没有送过国宝给马来西亚hor？怎么在这有一只的？(=.=)

空虚o.o（写到100篇了~）

补了足足五年的习，
现在要我停下来，
我真的有点无聊……
今天是我中学生涯补的最后一次习……
一切都要结束了……
以后六点半的时候，我不用急着冲凉准备了……
以后七点的时候我不懂要做些什么……
以后我也无法跟朋友在补习那吵吵闹闹了……
想到这一切，我突然感觉到有点空虚……
好像失去了什么，却又没办法说出来……
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这篇是我写的第一百篇文章……
想以简短的方式写……
可是我没办法……
因为有很多烦的事需要发泄出来……
所以部落格辛苦你了……
我又很多废话要跟你说……
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我，
好像很喜欢骗自己……
我不知道……
骗自己也在骗别人……
我究竟……
在做什么？
搞不清状况……
也弄不清自己到底在做些什么……
我实在写不出来……
我其实……我………………………………………………………
算了……我不想逼自己……
自己收在心里可能会好一些……
我不会对别人说……这是我对自己的承诺……
好了锁住了……
--------------发完牢骚--------------------------
还有4天就考试了……
我还无法专心……
我的心到底飞去了哪里？
回来吧~~~~
啊~~~~~~~~~~
（吸一口气……再呼一口气……）
好像舒服多了……
我知道这时不该说累……
也知道累是应该的……
因为累一下（考试一个月==）就会过去了……
可是，我真的很累……
又在叹息，人生就不能好好得过吗？
开开心心就行了……
可是人总是有无数的抱负……
想得到更多、做得更多……
使到自己的人生不会有遗憾……
很矛盾……
没有办法，不只是我，天下的人曾几何时没矛盾过呢？
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我其实还有很多牢骚……
可是就暂时写到这吧……
不然未来的一百篇要我写什么啊？

100篇不会就只是100篇而已……
未来我还会有更多个100篇……

----------------------待续-----------------------