It’s hurt.

I know there will be always problem if we did not bring the issue up and have a talk about it. And end up with cold respond and even less conversation between all of us. Should I put initiative on this? Or is that a girl’s job to have a beginning on the talk? Or should I always be the bad one so I should put this on and end up you hate me. I don’t know. Perhaps I am tired with it. We are tired with it. You could have thousand reason or excuses if I blame this on you. But the main point is I don’t meant to blame. I just want to bring this up and at least we need some talk about it. I don’t meant to break our friendship. I don’t meant to talk to you as I scare I might come out something that hurt you and I know my don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-face maybe had hurt you?(or you not really care at all?) Anyway, I did want to talk to you all and I just hardly to find a chance or a very good timing. And every time I feel so bad when I don’t feel to talk, act cold but still need to act-like-nothing-happened. Suffering as how much I was taking this so serious and maybe this is just nothing for you(perhaps I am nothing for you). And every time I have conversation with myself. I tell myself to calm, to forgo, to forgive and to forget everything that ruined our friendship. But every time I feel very tired as I did not really get respect, or any present appreciation from you all. I just feel so disappointed that I do not really worth in your eyes except for certain work and entertainment. I do not really know what is in your mind. Maybe I will get rebut aggressively from you if I tell you this. But look through what had you did and think deeply, did you really taken care of this? Even I have asking myself more than 10times and always argue with my inner angel and demon, I still cant really get it solved.

I just feel to blame myself taking this too serious until I get hurt. And that’s why I scare to have close relationship with people because I will easily get hurt. Perhaps I should let it go and concentrate on what I should do now. And I know every time I said this to myself, I just want to escape from problems and it will remain unsolved. Sorry. I just want to say, I am a coward.

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如果有一天，我不在了，你们会不会想起我？

至少我心目中，我觉得会想我的人只有那几个，又或许会被偶尔想起。

人就是那么的善忘，与其我说善忘，不如说没有被想念的价值。

你说人总是要往前看，不要被那些不好的回忆牵涉，让自己脚部变慢。

我说如果那个人、那件事，是有值得被记得、被想起的价值，以前就变得不一样了。你就会说，我就是忘不了，我控制不到自己。

人，总是有千千万万个借口为自己争辩。

而我没有要和你争辩的意思了，因为一切已失去了意义，失去了价值。

Grateful for every second you breath

It’s since a week I din update my blog. And actually I have the time to write once or twice in a week, but sometimes I just no mood to do it. Feel so want to speak out something or throw out something to someone, or perhaps in the blog, but I failed. Failed as in too many things to concern and taking care, not only personal feeling, but I do care other peoples’ feeling too. Whenever I want to say something bad, I will think twice. So, you cant really blame me for not writing for one whole week because I really have this motivation to blog, but every time will end up with save in draft or delete everything that I have wrote.

Lucky that I still have mum with me. She will just support me whenever I feel so down and need some spiritual guidance. She will not decide or lead me to the right track, but let me get into my road on my own. I do appreciate this kind of parenting. Without any stress, and at least not decisive or pampering me just like a kid. And today is father’s day. I called mum and told her “Happy Father’s day!” She laughed and said “So lui~because I am both father and mother right?” Yes, you are. Since when you took both this responsibilities on you? And there is nothing more I could say to replace your love. And thanks for everything.

Can be a thoughtful human being is not a chance, but with your love, I made it.

“Happy Father’s day” Grateful to every parents that brought up the children. I just want to put my special thanks for my mum =)

20

20岁了 我告诉自己 我要尽快脱离‘还要妈妈每个月寄钱给我’的日子

20岁了 我告诉自己 等我 我会告诉你不用再为我烦了 我会寄回钱给你

20岁了 我告诉自己 我需要一些改变 改变一些坚持很久的想法

20岁了 我告诉自己 要为自己的年轻岁月写一段精彩的故事

20岁了 我告诉自己 要拼了 当我还有精力 与‘本钱’的时候

20岁 有能力的人 已经是百万富翁了

就在这个黄金时期

有些人可能还在荒废着学业 有些人可能在为生活打拼 有些人可能努力为家庭打造最舒适的生活 有些人更可能还在迷失了自己方向似的 没有人生的目标

我没有要求自己能够有出息

我没有要求自己要像其他有大志的人一样

我没有要求自己要变成百万富翁

但是至少 我为自己的人生 设下了目标

我不祈求这一刻 我能做出什么改变

但 我正在努力 努力去改变一切自己觉得需要改变的事情

改变 要踏出第一步

机会 不一定常有

没有人能保证下一刻会发生什么事

惟有 阔出去了

才能真正地看清楚外面的世界

Searching for a way out

I do not know what I was doing recently. Feel kind of lost. Lost in everything and don’t know what I was or am doing for. A little bit depressed especially receiving stress from everywhere…No matter family,study,work or even friends. Maybe this is the time, a testing time in my life. Testing for my patient, my attitude, my persistency, and I know I must be strong enough to encounter all these tests. No one is perfect enough to perform The Best in all these tests. Perhaps I know that I would not be have high score in all of it. Maybe I just need a pass for it.

Human is really an incredible being. There are such a lot of things we need to deal with everyday, but still we able to cope with it and no matter how, we must have a way for it. Life, it is such a short term, but carry lots of meaning. We will never know what stage you are going into next. Like my stage, people said it’s young adulthood, I say it was a mixture of stages in life, or can I say it is undefined? And this is my life, even I am not so clear about what I am doing now, but I know what I am going to do.

Friends always say I was thinking too much. “yes I am.But who can did it as every seconds your brain would not stop working as you alive.”

Friends always tell me to take it easy. “could you do so?”

Yes. How much I wish I could stop thinking and planning for every step that I walked through? IF life isn’t all about gambling. IF we can put on our life and guarantee for winning. And IF we can really control OUR LIFE. And this is not the first day of our lesson, we should learn from that. Is that all I want to complaining about my life? I am not complaining actually. I just want to make myself clear that no matter how things going on, how good or bad it is, I still need to make a step forward because this is where the life process going on. Chill and I will be alright

Filial,it’s now. 孝顺，要及时。

这是我们从小到大学的道理，为什么有时候要长大了，体会了，才会懂？

有些人甚至要等到体验了，后悔了，但是却发觉一切已来不及了……

知道自己为了学会，为了别人，为了自己，为了活动，可以有多忙。但却渐渐发觉自己却没有把时间安排给家人。尤其是妈妈打来问我几时的空可以回去陪她看医生，却打开了画满圈圈时间表，我斟酌了许会，才心虚的答道，有考试、有功课、有活动要忙。看看了这一切的东西，才发觉所有事情不是为了自己，就是为了别人的活动。自己到底为了这个家付出了多少？到底曾为了妈妈付出过什么？只是一点点要求，我都做不到，我这个女儿可以丢掉了。

我没有说自己是真的很孝顺。也没有说听父母的话，就是孝顺的人。但是至少我觉得在他们需要我们的时候，身为子女的，是不是应该陪在他们的身边，就算帮不到什么忙，也至少能够给与他们精神上的支持。你甚至可以想象一下就好像我们有难的时候，是不是第一个就会想起他们，是不是很希望他们在我们的身边呢？其实我们都是自私的。只一直希望受到关爱，受到保护，觉得一切都是应分的，他们应该做的。但是他们其实可以停止养育，停止对我们一切的保护，甚至不管我们。想一下我也活到了20岁了。在这19个年里头，如果没有了妈妈，我到底算什么？我真的无法想像。

是她，养活我这个人。是她，教我如何做人。也是她，教会我如何对待人。

如果我还不会想，还那么的自私，我还算是人吗？其实话说得有点严重的。我只是想认真地对待，‘孝顺’这两个字。自我反省或发人深省都好，不但要明白了之中的道理与意思，当然行动还是最实际。所以也突然做出决定要回去一趟，就算再忙、再累都好，付出那么一点点算得了什么。无论如何，决定了要做的事情，还会坚持下去，我相信一切会过去的

There are many things a grown up should do. Perhaps now, for me, filial, is the most important thing for me to do. It does not show our maturity, but I just do what a HUMAN needs to do. =)

遗忘

有多久了没有记录生活的点滴？

有多久了没有细诉自己的每一天的喜怒哀乐？

有多久了没有时间静静坐下来，认真地想一下今天过得如何？

有多久没有好好地想一下，或停下来，问一下自己：“是否该回家了？”

我不需告诉别人，自己的生活过得有多么的精彩，多么的充实。就在办着很多很有意义的活动，忙碌的把快乐带给别人与自己的同时，我遗失了很多与家人相聚的时间。有时候那一些快乐，会让人盲目，有些诱惑，会让人迷途。就像上了瘾一样，不由自主地找寻乐趣，只要觉得开心、好玩，就丧失了理智。其实也不至于丧失那么严重，只是有时候年轻的岁月就是可以很疯狂。因为在别人认为大学生活很烦躁或很纳闷的时候，你可以大大声地对他们说：“大学生活就是疯狂的岁月！青春的痕迹！你就是可以在这段不长不短的时期放胆的放肆、放胆的燃烧、放胆的体验生活！”

总是付出的太多，得到的却觉得永远都不够。人，总是贪婪，只一味的为自己争取更多，却不肯付出多那么一点点。自私，是人的本性。说到大爱，自己真的是远远不及那个阶段。只是觉得有时候，能够付出那么一点点，就算那么微渺，只要抱着诚恳的心，坚持的信念一定能够达成。

是时候好好的从新管理一下自己。时间也好，态度也好，重整观念与想法都好。总觉得好像缺乏了些制度与界限。放肆也需要有限度的。至少定时休息，是我现在最需要的。=)

Sentiment

Things are getting overwhelmed. I have no confidence anymore that I could or able to cope with all these things at once, which I am not good with it. Still feeling down even I have told my friends and get some consultation from them. I am totally screwed up. Just feeling tired at this moment, as there are just too many things are waiting for me to deal with. I know that I could solve it and get it done step by step one day and there are always solutions for every trouble or matters. But we human being just hardly to let go on something that we are holding on it. Because when we know we are holding on it, means we still have it, chances are it’s still belonging to us. But what if, we put it down or let it go? Does it matter a lot? I think it twice. Being happy, is always matter. Just because of that, I had a bad habit on turning down people when I start off on some jobs, and I cant hold it long because I just think that I am not happy with it, no matter how much you paid me. Happiness is always the main concern. Frankly, I cant imagine how I am going to get my permanent job after I graduate, since I am so skeptical and picky in selecting job that I like. I don’t know. Perhaps I would like to give a try. Try as in maybe I have a chance to commit myself in a job, take my responsibilities at least. No matter how, I think I need to get back my motivation in doing all these things. To make my life different and beautiful and excited. If not, like everyone else, waiting for the end of the day, and end up with doing nothing. I just don’t want to be ordinary people like that. Give me a break and I will be back. =)

再难的生活也要笑着过

有时候生活很简单，几句笑话竟然可以笑很久。

可庆幸最近的心情，因为一些玩得很开的朋友，变得开朗。

也因为忙碌，一些不开心的事情，很容易就被盖过去了。

隐隐的忧伤，又有谁知道？

忙碌的城市，有谁愿意停下来，留意身边所发生的琐事？

可喜的是自己很容易快乐，自己很会去寻找快乐。

不喜欢让不愉快的心情缠着自己，不喜欢别人被自己的心情给影响。

让伤心自己担  就算多么的艰难

拿别人来开玩笑 让自己的快乐 建立在别人的痛苦上 是不好

那似乎 人到底能不能承受 玩笑的程度

但是到最后 觉得有点过分了 才慢慢的醒觉

舒美~对不起啦~希望你真的不要生气哦 =)

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今天 是在日本的朱朱 生日噢~

当然要在这更你说声“生日快乐”先啦~

今天没听你发到牢骚 要你听我的 sorry~

当然希望你开心 快乐

无论在哪里 我们还在这里

要什么生日礼物？？先欠着你ok吗？哈哈~你回来再跟我要看我记不记得~

I dunno what else to say since there was no way I can contact u now.Maybe will try to skype with you tmr?

Let’s receive this ‘gift’ first.

“If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.” That is what a best friend mean.

Just hope you are doing fine always and I will always here to listen to u =)

Just to u =)