It’s hurt.

I know there will be always problem if we did not bring the issue up and have a talk about it. And end up with cold respond and even less conversation between all of us. Should I put initiative on this? Or is that a girl’s job to have a beginning on the talk? Or should I always be the bad one so I should put this on and end up you hate me. I don’t know. Perhaps I am tired with it. We are tired with it. You could have thousand reason or excuses if I blame this on you. But the main point is I don’t meant to blame. I just want to bring this up and at least we need some talk about it. I don’t meant to break our friendship. I don’t meant to talk to you as I scare I might come out something that hurt you and I know my don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-face maybe had hurt you?(or you not really care at all?) Anyway, I did want to talk to you all and I just hardly to find a chance or a very good timing. And every time I feel so bad when I don’t feel to talk, act cold but still need to act-like-nothing-happened. Suffering as how much I was taking this so serious and maybe this is just nothing for you(perhaps I am nothing for you). And every time I have conversation with myself. I tell myself to calm, to forgo, to forgive and to forget everything that ruined our friendship. But every time I feel very tired as I did not really get respect, or any present appreciation from you all. I just feel so disappointed that I do not really worth in your eyes except for certain work and entertainment. I do not really know what is in your mind. Maybe I will get rebut aggressively from you if I tell you this. But look through what had you did and think deeply, did you really taken care of this? Even I have asking myself more than 10times and always argue with my inner angel and demon, I still cant really get it solved.

I just feel to blame myself taking this too serious until I get hurt. And that’s why I scare to have close relationship with people because I will easily get hurt. Perhaps I should let it go and concentrate on what I should do now. And I know every time I said this to myself, I just want to escape from problems and it will remain unsolved. Sorry. I just want to say, I am a coward.

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如果有一天，我不在了，你们会不会想起我？

至少我心目中，我觉得会想我的人只有那几个，又或许会被偶尔想起。

人就是那么的善忘，与其我说善忘，不如说没有被想念的价值。

你说人总是要往前看，不要被那些不好的回忆牵涉，让自己脚部变慢。

我说如果那个人、那件事，是有值得被记得、被想起的价值，以前就变得不一样了。你就会说，我就是忘不了，我控制不到自己。

人，总是有千千万万个借口为自己争辩。

而我没有要和你争辩的意思了，因为一切已失去了意义，失去了价值。