It’s hurt.

I know there will be always problem if we did not bring the issue up and have a talk about it. And end up with cold respond and even less conversation between all of us. Should I put initiative on this? Or is that a girl’s job to have a beginning on the talk? Or should I always be the bad one so I should put this on and end up you hate me. I don’t know. Perhaps I am tired with it. We are tired with it. You could have thousand reason or excuses if I blame this on you. But the main point is I don’t meant to blame. I just want to bring this up and at least we need some talk about it. I don’t meant to break our friendship. I don’t meant to talk to you as I scare I might come out something that hurt you and I know my don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-face maybe had hurt you?(or you not really care at all?) Anyway, I did want to talk to you all and I just hardly to find a chance or a very good timing. And every time I feel so bad when I don’t feel to talk, act cold but still need to act-like-nothing-happened. Suffering as how much I was taking this so serious and maybe this is just nothing for you(perhaps I am nothing for you). And every time I have conversation with myself. I tell myself to calm, to forgo, to forgive and to forget everything that ruined our friendship. But every time I feel very tired as I did not really get respect, or any present appreciation from you all. I just feel so disappointed that I do not really worth in your eyes except for certain work and entertainment. I do not really know what is in your mind. Maybe I will get rebut aggressively from you if I tell you this. But look through what had you did and think deeply, did you really taken care of this? Even I have asking myself more than 10times and always argue with my inner angel and demon, I still cant really get it solved.

I just feel to blame myself taking this too serious until I get hurt. And that’s why I scare to have close relationship with people because I will easily get hurt. Perhaps I should let it go and concentrate on what I should do now. And I know every time I said this to myself, I just want to escape from problems and it will remain unsolved. Sorry. I just want to say, I am a coward.

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如果有一天，我不在了，你们会不会想起我？

至少我心目中，我觉得会想我的人只有那几个，又或许会被偶尔想起。

人就是那么的善忘，与其我说善忘，不如说没有被想念的价值。

你说人总是要往前看，不要被那些不好的回忆牵涉，让自己脚部变慢。

我说如果那个人、那件事，是有值得被记得、被想起的价值，以前就变得不一样了。你就会说，我就是忘不了，我控制不到自己。

人，总是有千千万万个借口为自己争辩。

而我没有要和你争辩的意思了，因为一切已失去了意义，失去了价值。

Grateful for every second you breath

It’s since a week I din update my blog. And actually I have the time to write once or twice in a week, but sometimes I just no mood to do it. Feel so want to speak out something or throw out something to someone, or perhaps in the blog, but I failed. Failed as in too many things to concern and taking care, not only personal feeling, but I do care other peoples’ feeling too. Whenever I want to say something bad, I will think twice. So, you cant really blame me for not writing for one whole week because I really have this motivation to blog, but every time will end up with save in draft or delete everything that I have wrote.

Lucky that I still have mum with me. She will just support me whenever I feel so down and need some spiritual guidance. She will not decide or lead me to the right track, but let me get into my road on my own. I do appreciate this kind of parenting. Without any stress, and at least not decisive or pampering me just like a kid. And today is father’s day. I called mum and told her “Happy Father’s day!” She laughed and said “So lui~because I am both father and mother right?” Yes, you are. Since when you took both this responsibilities on you? And there is nothing more I could say to replace your love. And thanks for everything.

Can be a thoughtful human being is not a chance, but with your love, I made it.

“Happy Father’s day” Grateful to every parents that brought up the children. I just want to put my special thanks for my mum =)

20

20岁了 我告诉自己 我要尽快脱离‘还要妈妈每个月寄钱给我’的日子

20岁了 我告诉自己 等我 我会告诉你不用再为我烦了 我会寄回钱给你

20岁了 我告诉自己 我需要一些改变 改变一些坚持很久的想法

20岁了 我告诉自己 要为自己的年轻岁月写一段精彩的故事

20岁了 我告诉自己 要拼了 当我还有精力 与‘本钱’的时候

20岁 有能力的人 已经是百万富翁了

就在这个黄金时期

有些人可能还在荒废着学业 有些人可能在为生活打拼 有些人可能努力为家庭打造最舒适的生活 有些人更可能还在迷失了自己方向似的 没有人生的目标

我没有要求自己能够有出息

我没有要求自己要像其他有大志的人一样

我没有要求自己要变成百万富翁

但是至少 我为自己的人生 设下了目标

我不祈求这一刻 我能做出什么改变

但 我正在努力 努力去改变一切自己觉得需要改变的事情

改变 要踏出第一步

机会 不一定常有

没有人能保证下一刻会发生什么事

惟有 阔出去了

才能真正地看清楚外面的世界

Searching for a way out

I do not know what I was doing recently. Feel kind of lost. Lost in everything and don’t know what I was or am doing for. A little bit depressed especially receiving stress from everywhere…No matter family,study,work or even friends. Maybe this is the time, a testing time in my life. Testing for my patient, my attitude, my persistency, and I know I must be strong enough to encounter all these tests. No one is perfect enough to perform The Best in all these tests. Perhaps I know that I would not be have high score in all of it. Maybe I just need a pass for it.

Human is really an incredible being. There are such a lot of things we need to deal with everyday, but still we able to cope with it and no matter how, we must have a way for it. Life, it is such a short term, but carry lots of meaning. We will never know what stage you are going into next. Like my stage, people said it’s young adulthood, I say it was a mixture of stages in life, or can I say it is undefined? And this is my life, even I am not so clear about what I am doing now, but I know what I am going to do.

Friends always say I was thinking too much. “yes I am.But who can did it as every seconds your brain would not stop working as you alive.”

Friends always tell me to take it easy. “could you do so?”

Yes. How much I wish I could stop thinking and planning for every step that I walked through? IF life isn’t all about gambling. IF we can put on our life and guarantee for winning. And IF we can really control OUR LIFE. And this is not the first day of our lesson, we should learn from that. Is that all I want to complaining about my life? I am not complaining actually. I just want to make myself clear that no matter how things going on, how good or bad it is, I still need to make a step forward because this is where the life process going on. Chill and I will be alright